Thinking Back

This year will be my fifth time walking in the March for Babies event in Dallas. It's funny how my thoughts and emotions regarding this day have evolved over the years. Thinking back to 2009, I wasn't sure what to expect. After all, it had only been nine short months since we'd lost our second born son, Nash, to an undiagnosed heart defect. At the time, we were treading water; struggling to breathe, as we waded through some very deep grief. When my dear friend suggested we walk in memory of Nash, I remember thinking, "We can't get him back. We can't change what's happened. But we can do this. We can honor and remember our little boy." And so the first chapter of our March For Babies experience had begun.

In the months and days leading up to the March, I wasn't quite sure how our story fit in with the March of Dimes. From what I knew, the organization did a lot for premature babies and their families. My son was born at 39 weeks, healthy as could be... or so we thought. But after learning more about it, I found that the bottom line, when it came to MOD was: they help save babies. Through funding and research, they give babies the chance to live long and happy lives. I found out that in addition to prematurity, the March of Dimes uses this same funding and research to understand and battle infant mortality. Bingo. Now I had a fantastic organization, a connection to its mission, and a little boy's memory to share.

As the March grew closer, I became nervous as to whether or not this was the right thing to be doing. I kept going through the motions of getting ready for the day - fundraising, getting our t-shirts with Nash's name on the back, organizing my little group of walkers. The questions running through my mind were neverending. Would I be able to hold myself together for five entire miles without succumbing to a complete breakdown? Am I really strong enough to do this?

On the morning of the March in 2009, I was completely overwhelmed. We had about 15 people walking with us, through a misty, cold rain. I tried hard to hold it together. My feelings were all over the place...proud that we could do something in Nash's memory... blessed that we had raised so much money and received so much support from our family and friends... yet angry that I had a reason to be at the March in the first place... and scared that I would have to face this reality everyday for the rest of my life. As we walked the five miles, I just remember hoping that Nash was proud of us for what we were doing. My worries faded as we got to the finish, and I knew that we had done what we had set out to do.

The day Nash died, my husband and I vowed that even though he was only here for five months, we would do all we could to keep his memory alive. He had purpose. He was here for a reason. And maybe, just maybe, by helping the March of Dimes save babies, we can save families from our heartbreak. That evening, I wrote on my personal blog (www.bradandtracysievers.blogspot.com): I look forward to next year... By walking in this March, it feels like I am still "taking care" of my little boy. I am showing him that he mattered when he was here and he matters now.

***** Please use the comment section to share with us your first experience walking in the March For Babies. What were your feelings and emotions? What were your expectations? How did the day turn out? And for first time walkers, could you share what you're feeling as you get ready to walk for the very first time? We'd love to hear your stories...